Prussia X Canada, Feel so Cold
by 0oHolyleafo0
Summary: Gilbert/Prussia knows something is up with Matthew/Canada, but Matthew is'int saying anything. Can Gilbert find out what's wrong, or is it already too late? Rated T for attempted suicide. -Boy X Boy, Don't like, don't read!- No Yaoi. PruCan!
1. Chapter 1

Prussia x Canada Chapter 1

It had all started in November. Gilbert and Matthew were living in their apartment in Ontario, (after a VERY long Rock Paper Scissors match, deciding where their official location was) when Gilbert had noticed that something was wrong. Matthew was acting sad all the time and slept almost all day. Gilbert had made Matthew see a doctor, but nothing was wrong medically.

It wasn't until about a week later, over breakfast in their small-ish dining room that Gilbert decided to confront Matthew about it.

"Hey birdie," gilbert started the conversation with his favourite nickname for Matthew,

"Mmm?" Matthew responded with a mouthful of the pancakes they were eating,

"What's been up with you lately? You seem so sad!" gilbert looked at Matthew with concerned eyes,

"I- Uh, nothing. Nothing's wrong." Matthew avoided the question, but Gilbert didn't buy it, he could practically see the pain hidden in Matthews's deep, purple eyes.

"No. Tell me, why are you lying!?" Gilbert put down his fork and stared at Matthew, forcing him to look at him,

"I'm not! I'm just fine thank you!" Matthew refused to look at gilbert, staring at his plate instead,

"Matthew Williams, Stop. Look at me." When Matthew didn't respond, Gilbert grabbed his chin and pulled his head up to look at him.

"Tell me what's wrong! Is it Alfred again? Tell me something- Anything!" Matthew searched his eyes, looking for something,

"No… No. It's not Alfred. It's just- Just… I don't know." Matthew reached up a hand and pulled Gilbert's wrist away, releasing him.

"That's not good enough! I care about you, so let me help you!" Gilbert felt tears sting at the backs of his eyes, but he pushed the feeling away,

"You can't just make me sit here and not do anything to help!" Gilbert started to raise his voice, getting frustrated,

"Gill…" Matthew looked up at Gilbert, using his pet-name,

"Please, Please let me in! Let me help!" Gilbert got up from his seat and grabbed both of their cleared plates,

"Gill-" Matthew started, but Gilbert cut him off,

"No Matthew," he didn't turn around, just kept walking to the kitchen,

"Please, just… don't" '-Don't push me away again. Don't tell me your fine, when you're not.' But the words were left unspoken, for both Matthew and Gilbert had already heard them.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

It wasn't long until Matthew had finally gone out of the house, which was now a rare occurrence.

"Hey, Birdie!" Gilbert dashed over to the Canadian as he heard the lock twist open,

"Hmm?" Matthew turned around to see Gilbert's face 2 centimeters from his own, he jumped back in surprise,

"Whatcha dooin?" Gilbert asked, leaning against the closet that was nearest to the landing with the front door,

"Uhh, just going out to visit Francis, he, uh, he called while you were asleep." Matthew pulled up his hood and reached for the doorknob, a little too late. When he reached for it, his hand was grabbed by the Prussian's, and he was pulled to face Gilbert.

"Matt, you haven't been going out for weeks now, what's so urgent about visiting Francis?" Gilbert could feel Matthew tense up, eyes not meeting his.

"I- It's just, he- he wants to, uh, show me a, uh, statue of something…" Matthew yanked his hand out of Gilbert's grasp and turned the doorknob. Not looking back, he said,

"I'll come back soon!" and the door slammed in Gilbert's face.

Gilbert was left stunned and confused as the shy Canadian so bluntly lied to him, and they both knew that Gilbert believed none of it, that whole story was fake.

'No.' Gilbert thought to himself,

'I'll call Francis and confirm it.' Matthew wouldn't lie, not to him! Not ever.

When he got to the phone, he quickly dialed Francis's number and lifted the receiver,

One ring, two rings, three rings, would he ever pick up?

"Allo?" a French accent asked from the other line,

"Francis! Hey!" Gilbert had been friends with Francis since they were just children,

"Ah! Bonjour Gilbert! What's up?"

"I just wanted to ask, is Matt coming over there today?" Gilbert tried to calm his nerves, of course Francis would say yes, and Gilbert would kick himself for not trusting him and-

"Gilbert? Are you still there?" Francis asked, snapping Gilbert from his train of thought,

"Oh! Uh, yeah, sorry."

"Well, I was just saying that, no. He didn't tell me he was visiting. Why? Is he?" Francis asked, Matthew was his cousin, after all.

"uhh, ah, no. Nothing, got to go now, bye." Gilbert hung up before Francis could protest.

"H- he lied. He lied to me…" Gilbert released his tight grasp on the phone and dropped it.

He sunk into the closest chair and hugged his knees to his chest, and finally let the tears flow.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Matthew walked along the busy street, hood up and his hand in his pockets. He didn't dress up, just a sweater and his black hoodie, with a maple leaf on the front. He knew he had been feeling terrible lately, and that Gilbert had known as well. He couldn't bear to see Gilbert so worried, especially because of him. That's why he lied; he wanted Gilbert to stop worrying, to see (even if it was a lie) that Matthew was getting better. He knew that Gilbert would worry when he left, but hopefully not as much. Maybe Matthew would go and visit Francis, even if he had made the whole story up. But there was something he had to do first.

FLASHBACK / "Matthew," The doctor had instructed while Gilbert was in the waiting room, this had all happened when Gilbert had took Matthew to the doctor's a few weeks back,

"Huh? Yes?" Matthew wasn't listening to Dr. Yao or whatever his name was,

"Are you even listening?" Dr. Yao asked in a thick Chinese accent,

"Oh, no… sorry." Matthew was having trouble focusing on anything lately, mind just going numb

"That's alright, but listen to me now! By all the symptoms you've told me about, I think you're clinically depressed." Dr. Yao said the last sentence slowly, as if it would shock Matthew, but it didn't.

"Yeah… what should I do?" Matthew asked, just wanting to go home now, he had known that something was wrong, something bad.

"Take these pills for three weeks and come back next Wednesday at this time." Dr. Yao handed him a slip of paper and a bottle of pills labeled, Anti-depressants.

"yeah, thanks… but…" Matthew trailed off, not wanting to ask the question,

"No, I won't tell him. But I would greatly advise you too, secrets aren't the way to go." Dr. Yao got up and shot him one last sympathetic glance from the door,

"I'm sorry." \\\ END OF FLASHBACK

That had been a while ago, three weeks.

As he walked up to the doctor's office, he grasped the empty pill bottle in his right hand, pulling it out to look at it. It was this bottle that held all the secrets he had ever kept from Gilbert, if he was to ever find out… when Matthew looked up, he was already at the front desk.

"Uh, Hello?" Matthew asked the lady sitting at the computer, but she didn't notice him.

"Um, Miss?" Matthew asked, a little more loudly now,

"Oh!" she turned her head and walked over to Matthew,

"What can I help you with?" she asked in a sweet voice, Matthew handed her the slip of paper and she read it,

"Ohhhhh, first door on your left." She pointed to a hallway down from where the desk was and sat down,

"The doctor will be with you soon." She said and Matthew started walking down the hallway.

Matthew hated doctors, they were all too nice, always acting liked they cared, but he knew they didn't.

Gilbert had fallen asleep on the chair, sobbing uncontrollably and crying, when he woke up, it was about a half hour later. Matthew was still gone. Gilbert wiped the remaining tears from his eyes and stood up, legs wobbly from sitting for so long.

'When did I become so emotional?' he wondered as he grabbed a German beer out of the fridge,

Just then, the door opened and Gilbert was glad that the kitchen was near the front door, he dashed ver and looked at Matthew,

"uh… hey, Gill." Matthew looked a little better, the colour returning to his face from the cold winter weather outside,

"Birdie…" Gilbert stopped, he didn't control himself. He threw his arms around the thawing Canadian and started crying again, not as bad though, tears just lightly flowing from the corners of his eyes,

"Gill! What's wrong?" Matthew returned the hug but pulled away, facing Gilbert,

"Why? Why did you lie?" Gilbert could only get that out until both of them started crying.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

When the two men stopped crying, they could finally talk.

"G-Gill," Matthew knew that Gilbert had every right to be angry at him, and that he was probably furious with him for lying.

"Now, let me explain." Matthew and Gilbert were sitting in their living room, in chairs across from each other,

"Fine, but, where did you go?" Gilbert could only imagine the worst, Matthew would never, never, cheat on him, right? Or was that why he was so sad lately?

"Gill, it's not what you think! I just went to the doctor's today, that's all!" Matthew knew what Gilbert as thinking, it was plain to see, he thought Matthew was cheating on him.

"Then why would you lie? What's so wrong with going to the-" Suddenly it hit Gilbert; the doctor had said nothing was wrong, then why was he going for a check-up?

"Yeah… I lied." Matthew didn't want to keep his secret anymore, it was too hard, and it hurt too much.

"Why… did you think I would be angry?" Gilbert felt betrayed, he had trusted Matthew! With his life! And now this? He felt his heart shatter, and grimaced.

"Gill, I- I'm sorry, I just wanted to-" Matthew tried to calm Gilbert, but it was too late.

"Just wanted to what?" Gilbert raised his voice,

"Just wanted to keep it from me? So I wouldn't be worried? So I couldn't help you?"

"n-no… it's not like that!" Matthew tried to defend what was left of their relationship,

"Then what IS it like?" Gilbert got up, not caring to hear an answer,

"Gill! Wait!" Matthew jumped up from his seat and bolted after Gilbert,

"W- where are you going?" Gilbert grabbed his jacket and opened the front door, stopping only to say,

"Call me when you figure it all out." And shut the door.

"Gill…" Matthew let out one last whimper before turning around and heading for the phone.

Gilbert wasn't mad, wasn't angry with Matthew in the slightest, but he was heartbroken. That was a feeling he had only felt once before. He sat down on a nearby bench and pressed his palms into his forehead,

"God…" he murmured,

"what did I just do?"


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey Guys! Holly here, just wanted to apologize for the long wait, hope you like it! Please Review, your comments are appreciated!**

Chapter 5

Matthew darted for the phone, he grabbed it and dropped to the floor, dialing Francis' number, one ring, two rings,

"Ah, 'ello?" The Frenchman asked,

"F-Francis, i-it's Matthew." The Canadian stammered,

"Mattheu, what's wrong? Are you okay?" Francis was getting worried, Matthew seemed upset,

"I-I don't k-know… G-Gilbert l-left…" Mathew could barely get the words out; he was sobbing so badly,

"I'm coming over. I'll be there soon!" Francis hung up, leaving Mathew on the other line, sobbing uncontrollably.

A few minutes later, Matthew heard a knock on the front door. He dashed over and let Francis in,

"Mattheu?" Francis asked, Matthew's face was drenched in tears,

Matthew blacked out, falling to the floor.

"Matthew!" Francis jumped forward, grabbing Matthew's shirt sleeve,

"M…..ake yet?" Matthew slowly floated back into consciousness,

"Mattheu? Your finally awake." Francis was leaning over Matthew, looking concerned.

"F-Francis…?" Matthew blinked a few times, trying to focus on Francis' face,

Matthew sat up, he was on the couch, and Francis was next to him.

"Mattheu, would you mind explaining something to me?"

Matthew looked at Francis, confused. Francis grabbed Matthew's wrist and pulled down his sleeve, revealing the scars up and down his arm. Matthew quickly pulled his sleeve back, looking embarrassed.

"Mattheu, why are you doing this?" Francis was worried about his cousin,

"F-Francis, y- you can't t-tell h-him…" Matthew whimpered, tears forming at the corners of his eyes,

"Mattheu… we need to get you help!" Francis tried to get Matthew to look at him,

"P-Please, just… d-don't tell! H-he'll hate m-me!" Matthew felt tears stream down his face,

"Mattheu, just promise me that you won't hurt yourself again!" Francis pleaded,

"F-Francis, I p-promise." Francis leaned in and hugged Matthew, tears of his own beginning to form.

"I promise…"

Gilbert pulled out his cell phone, dialing his brother's number.

"Ja?" West answered,

"Bruder! Can I come over?" Gilbert knew what the answer would be, he loved hanging out with his bruder!

"Ja East, come over whenever, is everything okay?"

"Yeah! Of co-" Gilbert stopped himself,

"Nah… West, I'm not okay."

"Bruder… where are you?" Ludwig was getting worried,

"On some park bench, across from the grocery store." Gilbert Responded,

"I'm coming, stay there." Ludwig hung up,

"Yeah…" Gilbert murmured to himself,

"Where would I go?"


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

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><p>When Ludwig pulled up at the park bench where Gilbert was, it was pouring rain outside.<p>

"Phew!" Gilbert exclaimed as he got into the black B.M.W. parked in the rain,

"Veee! Hello big-brother Gilbert!" a familiar voice called from the back seat of the car,

"Ja, hello bruder." Ludwig greeted his soaking wet sibling, obviously knowing something was wrong.

"Guten Tag, Venesiano!" Gilbert tried to sound as happy as he could for the little Italian, but failed.

"Whats wrong Gill?" Venesiano asked, calling his bluff,

"ah, its... Just a, uh, just a bad day." Ludwig waited untill Gilbert was buckled in to start the car, now it would only be a few minutes until they got to the house. When they pulled into the driveway, Venesiano was bombarding him with questions,

"Whats wrong? Is it Matthew? How's Matthew doing? How have you two been? Are you fighting? What are you fighting about? Is it money? Ludwig and I don't fight. I like Ludwig! Do you like him? He is your bother! I hope you and Matthe-"

"Hey, Venesiano? " Gilbert asked, flustered,

"Yeah Gill?" the little Italian answered,

"How is Ludwig still sane?" Gilbert joked, trying to lighten the mood, Earning a laugh from his bruder, they walked into the large house he shared with Ludwig (and Venesiano, to his brother's dismay) once inside, he flopped down on the living room couch, claiming the entire space for himself, forcing Ludwig to share the smaller couch with Venesiano.

"Bruder," Ludwig started, not wanting to delay,

"Yeah... I just...Somethings wrong with Matthew. He, he won't talk to me! Not about anything! He, he just sits at home all day being sad and, and he won't talk to me!" Gilbert sat up on the couch,

"Now he tells me that he's depressed and won't let m-me help!" Gilbert rested his head in his hands, tears surfacing. Seeing this, Venesiano walked over and sat next to Gilbert, pulling him into a hug.

"Don't worry Gill, Luddy and I will think of something. " Gilbert nodded, leaning into his friend.

* * *

><p>Matthew was still holding on to Francis, the only person he thought cared at the moment,<p>

"F-Francis..." Matthew sobbed,

"Oui un peu?" Francis soothed, knowing how unstable Matthew really was, behind his smile.

"C-Could y-you stay, j-just for tonight?"Matthew asked quietly, trying to be as polite as possible,

"Oui! I'll stay as long as you need." Francis was the closest thing Matthew really had to family, not including his obnoxious older brother. Francis led Matthew to his room, letting him get dressed for sleep.

"I'll just be in the guest room, if you need me. Alright?" Francis asked, seeing that Matthew had pulled out the stuffed bear he only slept with if he was really upset,

"Y-Yeah... Thanks..." Matthew fell right to sleep, fearing only the dreams that waited for him there.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

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><p>Matthew dreamt that he was at home, sitting on the living room couch. Matthew had a pen in his riht hand and a letter in his left,<p>

'What was I just doing?' he thought to himself, then he looked at the letter.

It read,

Dear Family,

Why don't you see me? Am I such a bad person that you refuse to even acknowledge me? I have only ever had Alfred and Francis. And Alfred hates me. Why do I even bother to get up in the morning? Oh yeah, Gilbert. I loved him with all my heart, but I messed up. I tried to hide something, something that I now see was too important. Gilbert, I'm sorry. Alfred, I'm sorry. Francis, I'm sorry. I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry. Goodbye.

- Matthew

Matthew stared at the letter for what seemed like forever, he knew what he had been doing. He had planned this out in his head forever, what his letter would say, how he would do it, when, where and who he would tell.

This is how it would go, he would wait for Gilbert to leave, so he was alone, hen he would write his letter, he would take out the bottle of aspirin that he hid under his bed, then he would call Francis, just to say goodbye. Then he would take the aspirin and it would all end. It would all be over. All the pain, and sadness, and the sorrow that was his life.

Matthew looked to his left, sitting on the couch was the aspirin. He picked up the bottle and opened the lid, every instinct telling him to stop, but his heart was screaming to keep going. The deep hole he lived in would end. Then he closed his eyes and chugged the pills.

Matthew woke up in a cold sweat, his face covered in tears. He quickly reached over to his drawer and pulled out a knife, wanting to get the dream out of his head, he pulled up his sleeve and saw all the existing scars, showing the dream and how many nights it had plagued him. He placed the knife on his arm and-

"Mattheu?!" Francis barged in, having heard the noise from his room down the hall,

"F-Francis…" Matthew sobbed, dropping the knife, hearing it clatter to the floor. Francis ran over to Matthew, pulling him into a hug,

"Mattheu! Why would you do this?" Francis whispered, seeing how upset Matthew was,

"F-Francis, i-I'm so sorry…" Matthew sobbed into the Frenchman's neck, holding him closer.

'I'm going to call someone.' Francis vowed. Matthew wouldn't last much longer without Gilbert, and it had only been one day!

"Shhhhh, Mattheu… it's going to be alright…"

* * *

><p>Gilbert had slept in the couch that night,<p>

'well,' he thought,

'I really didn't sleep all that much, so it doesn't really count as sleeping.' He smiled for a second, then winced, remembering the thoughts that had kept him awake for all those hours. How he had run out of the house, Matthew's face as he left, and contemplating why Matthew had not told him what was going on.

Gilbert sat up, rubbing his head and cursing under is breath. He wiped the remaining tears from his eyes and looked at his phone; it was 8:00 in the morning. His bruder and Venesiano would be up soon. He got up and walked over to the washroom to take a shower, sleeping in his clothes didn't do him any real good in that department either.

After his shower, he put on the same clothes and walked back out into the kitchen, where he smelt pancakes cooking. He winced at the memories of Matthew, lively and happy, making pancakes in the morning for Gilbert; he looked away and saw Ludwig on the couch, watching the news. He moved to join him, only to be stopped by a tugging on his arm,

"Gill?" Venesiano asked, his voice was laced with worry,

"Hey Venesiano!" Gill once again tried to sound happier that the night before, but failed. Only managing to sound slightly happy.

"Gill, Francis called while you were sleeping…" Venesiano sounded uncharacteristically serious,

"He got a call from Matthew and is staying with him, Matthew isn't doing so well. How do you feel?" the young Italian laced the last sentence with pity, feeling bad for the German.

"Oh… I'm, I'm alright. Aren't your pancakes burning?" Gilbert smelt smoke,

"Veh? Oh! Pancakes!" He dashed over to the kitchen, leaving Gilbert to handle the news on his own.

"Not doing so well…" Gilbert could only imagine what those words meant, and he thought of the worst.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

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><p><strong>Hey Guys! Thanks so much for the reviews and faves and i'm just so happy you all like the story! Expect more soon! <strong>

**(BTW my youtube channel has the same name as my account here!)**

* * *

><p>Later that evening, Francis called Gilbert's younger brother, Ludwig.<p>

"Ja, Ludwig here." Came the reply from the other line,

"Allo Ludwig! It is Francis, Matthew's cousin again." Francis replied,

"Ah! I was just about to call you Francis," Ludwig could guess the reason Francis had called,

"How's Gilbert taking all of this? He and Mattheu seemed so happy just a few weeks ago…" Francis trailed off, thinking of how happy the couple had seemed,

"Not too well, all he's doing is moping around. But I hear that Matthew isn't doing any better…" Silence over the phone, when Francis had called earlier they had talked about how Matthew had been doing.

"Yeah… we really need to fix this. I don't think either of them will do anything on their own, and neither can live like this for too much longer." The statement was too true in Matthew's case, but Gilbert was right to be upset, Matthew had lied, and that was his mistake.

"How should we do this?" Ludwig had moved from his seat on the couch to the back porch so nobody would hear the conversation,

"This is what we should do…"

Matthew was sitting on the couch; Francis had gone out to get some things from the grocery store, but left Matthew with the phone and his number on speed-dial if he needed anything.

"Heh, Stupid frenchie…" this was just the chance Matthew needed, no matter how much it scared him to think of, he was going to do it. He had laid out the paper and pills to his left, dialing Francis's number on the phone.

"Allo?" Came the voice,

"Hey Francis." Matthew didn't have long; he was never good at hiding anything from the Frenchman.

"Mattheu? What's the matter?" Damn, he caught him.

"Yeah… just called to say bye." Matthew felt tears roll down his cheek as his voice shook on the last word, "

Mattheu?! What are you talking about?" Francis shoved the bags into the car, trying to get home quickly,

"I gotta go…" Matthew answered quietly,

"Listen to me Mattheu, don't do anything stupid! Just wait until I get there-" There was a loud beep and the line cut. Francis quickly called the only person he could think of,

"Ludwig! You need to go to Matthew's house right away!" The Frenchman spat out, pressing his foot on the gas, not bothering to buckle in,

"Francis?" A familiar voice responded, not Ludwig's.

"Gill, just get there, NOW!" Francis hung up, driving over the speed limit trying to reach his destination sooner.

* * *

><p>Matthew leaned back on the couch, mind already going fuzzy with the effects of the pill.<p>

"Looks like this is it, Kuma." He hugged the bear close to his chest, humming a slow song he liked. No… that Gilbert had liked.

"Gill, I'm sorry…" He whispered as the world slowly faded to black.

* * *

><p>Gilbert ran out of the house, not wasting a second to say goodbye, or tell anyone where he was going. He was only thinking about one thing, Matthew. He knew what Francis was so upset about. He wiped tears from his eyes, hoping he wasn't too late. He slammed open the door, running to the living room. He froze.<p>

"Birdie?" He whispered when his eyes hit the figure on the couch,

"BIRDIE!" He leaped over knocking the letter off the table, he ignored it; the only thing that mattered was his birdie, the love of his life. He put his head against Matthew's chest, he was still alive! His heartbeat was soft, but still there! He reached over and grabbed the phone, he dialed,

"911 what's your emergency?" the operator asked,

"Its Matthew! He swallowed the whole thing of pills!" Gilbert yelled into the phone, as if the lady would hear it sooner if he did,

"Alright, what's your address?" She asked,

"35 Nation avenue, come quickly!" He hung up.

Only then did he notice the letter.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

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><p><strong>Oh my goodness! i am so sorry for the wait! I MUST get back to preparing for ComicCon though! Anyone else going on May 9th 10th and 11th?<strong>

* * *

><p>Gilbert picked up the paper from the ground, not leaving Matthew's side; his eyes scanned the paper, more tears forming at the corners of his eyes.<p>

"Birdie... W-why would you think this way?" Gilbert rested his head on Matthew's shoulder, tears streaking his red shirt.

* * *

><p>The ambulance showed up quickly, picking up the unconscious Matthew and putting him in a stretcher, Gilbert pleaded to go with him, but the paramedics wouldn't allow it. Moments after the ambulance sped away, Francis pulled up, he didn't even get out of the car. He motioned for Gilbert to get in, Gilbert bolted over the car and filled Francis in. Needless to say, Francis sped over to the hospital, going WAY over the speed limit.<p>

* * *

><p>When they finally reached the hospital, the two men ran over to the reception desk.<p>

"Bonjour! " Francis asked, out of breath,

"ah-hello! C-can I help you?" the woman at the desk was flustered by the sudden appearance,

"ja," Gilbert started, not wasting any time,

"We are looking for Matthew, Matthew Williams?" the lady didn't take her eyes off Gilbert,

"Friend or family?" she asked,

"Family! We're both family!" Francis interrupted,

"oh, i'm glad YOUR family..." she winked at Gilbert, Gill rolled his eyes,

"yeah, yeah. Where is he?" Gilbert urged,

"oh! Room 124 down that hall!" she answered. Francis and Gilbert bolted down the hall, just glancing ag the numbers, '112, 115, 118, 121, 124!' Gilbert read, the two entered the room gingerly.

"Birdie?" Gilbert called, no answer. they walked in farther, seeing the hospital bed by the window. Matthew was laying in the bed, an iv connected to his left wrist, and gauze wrapped around his arms. He was in a blue hospital gown, his features slack and relaxed.

Gilbert and Francis walked over to the bed, Francis pulled out a chair and sat next to Matthew, sniffling.

"oh Mattheu..." fresh tears streamed down his cheek and he took Matthew's hand, careful not to disturb the tubes. Gilbert walked to the other side of the bed and opened the window, letting in some fresh air.

"Gill!" Francis whispered, Gilbert whipped around, leaving the window,

"what is I-" Gilbert froze, Matthew's eyes were open an he was looking at Gilbert,

"H-hey birdie..." Gilbert didn't quite know what to say.

"Gill, why can't I see you? " Matthew asked, sounding sleepy.

"W-what?" Gilbert stuttered, looking to france, but he looked just as stunned as Gilbert did. Matthew felt around for a second, not moving his head, untill he found a button; he pushed it and a beep rang out, soon a nurse ran into the room,

"Whats the matter?" her name tag said 'Sherri',

"Why cant I see anything?" Matthew sounded un-interested, though, that was probably just the medication he was taking.

Gilbert however, was freaking out.


	10. Chapter 10

The nurse tried to calm Gilbert, explaining to him and Matthew that,

"it is just a temporary side effect of the chemical reaction the overdose of pills had on Matthew's brain, particularly the visual section." Gilbert still wasn't convinced.

After much arguing, the nurse then reminded Gilbert that the visiting hours were almost over, and she might ask him to leave. That shut him up. The nurse checked Matthew's iv and brought him a tray of grey mush she called 'food', and left.

Gilbert grumbled a bit to himself about 'patient care' and 'sympathy', but his attention was immediately averted to the actual patient when he spoke up.

"Gill..." Matthew coughed a bit and felt around his bed a bit, looking for his love.

"yeah, birdie? What do you need?" Gilbert was instantly by his side, holding Matthew's cold hand and rubbing his shoulder calmingly.

"I just wanted to say that-" he burst into a coughing fit, but kept speaking,

"that, im sorry f-for not talking to you... I just d-didn't want you to be upset..." Gilbert started crying, only holding Matthew tighter.

"oh birdie, it's okay, it's okay..." that's how they stayed for the rest of the time, Gilbert holding Matthew's hand and Francis looking worriedly over Matthew's shoulder. When it was time to go, Francis had to pull Gilbert off of Matthew, after saying goodbye of course, and they got into the French man's car. Francis sat, his hands on ghe wheel, and froze.

"Francis? Everything ok?" Gilbert asked, looking at the other man's pained expression,

"Gilbert, does Mattheu love you?" Francis asked, through clenched teeth,

"u-uh, yes? We love each other." Francis shook his head slowly, his hands gripping the wheel fiercely.

"why do you think he did what he did then, if you love him?" Francis was angry, Gilbert knew that from personal experience of being his friend for multiple years,

"I-i... I don't know..." Gilbert was confused by Francis' sudden questons, when suddenly Francis whipped around and grabbed Gilbert by the shoulders and looked at him dead in the eyes with such a glare, Gilbert felt himself shrink and look away,

"Mattheu is my cousin, I love him more than anything in the world, including myself. And for this to happen without any warning, someone is responsible. When Mattheu came to me crying, he was crying over you. Over you leaving him all alone."

those words hurt more than a slap to the face, Gilbert just wanted it to stop. But Francis wasn't finished,

"you hurt him, Gilbert. I left you to care for him, and you let this happen right in front of you! Do you expect me to just forgive you and let it go? Not this time; not again. So you'd better get your crap together and figure out what the HELL went wrong while you two were togther! Until you figure it out, get the hell out of my car." Francis let go of Gilbert's shoulders and pushed him away.

Gilbert felt how sore his shoulders were, and mentally prepared himself for the bruises that would inevitably appear. He opened the car door, and without a second glance, started walking towards the road.

Francis pulled his car away, out of the hospital parking lot, and onto the street.

* * *

><p>Gilbert sat on the side of the road, his head in his hands. He hadn't gotten far untill he had to stop, he was about 6 blocks from his house.<p>

He sobbed, 'why,' he thought, 'why is it so sunny? Doesn't the world know that a tragedy has taken place? The world has to be sad! Why is it so sunny? It can't be so freaking happy! It... It has to be sad...' but the thoughts faded as Gilbert's sobs grew louder, drowning out everything else.

When Gilbert finally reached his house, it was almost dark, the sun was setting, casting an orange glow across the house.

when he got into his house, Gilbert sank onto the couch, not bothering to go any further, he flinched when his head hit something, but it was soft.

He reached around and pulled out a bear. "kumajiro..." Gilbert hugged the bear close to his chest and breathed in Matthew's scent, Gilbert wanted to cry, wanted to break down, but he couldn't. His tears had long since dried up.

All the german could do was sit there, holding the soft animal close to his heart, and slowly fade into a needed rest.


	11. Chapter 11

When Matthew woke up, he heard someone open the window, he felt the breeze on his skin, and he smelt the cool brisk air. But he couldn't see it.

He couldn't see anything, actually. Matthew felt a hand on his, and tried to open his eyes, only to find that they were already open.

"Mattheu?" someone asked from his left, he turned his head, then the voice sounded again,

"Gill!" it whispered, that voice was familiar, it belonged to his cousin, Francis.

"what is I-" the voice by the window, Gilbert, stuttered,

"h-hey birdie." Gilbert sounded stunned,

"Gill," Matthew started,

"why can't I see you? " He finished, There was silence for a minute, then Matthew remembered the button that was in every hospital bed, the one that called a nurse. Matthew fumbled around the bed for a minute, due to his lack of sight, and pressed the button. When the nurse entered, Matthew didn't turn his head, what was the need? He couldnt see the nurse anyways.

The nurse tried to calm Gilbert, telling him that it was only temporary, that it was Matthew's fault. Matthew cringed inside himself, his memories of the days earlier were fuzzy, and thinking abou them made head hurt. He just wanted to sleep. He turned to Francis while Gilbert was arguing with the nurse,

"Francis," he whispered to the Frenchman,

"oui?" Francis responded,

"Why did Gilbert leave me? I- I can't remember..." Matthew touched his forhead with his right hand, almost bumping his eye,

"Mon petit Mattheu, that is a question you will have to ask Gilbert himself. I cannot interfere with Amour. But," he started to add, seeing the look on Matthew's face,

"I will talk to him. " This made Matthew smile, Francis pulled him in for a hug.

Matthew had a lot of time to think about things after his guests left. He tried to remember why he had been so upset with Gilbert, he knew that he had been on the verge of suicide, but he never thought it would ever come to it.

He heard some nurses talking outside his door, he leaned back and tried to remember what a hospital looked like on the inside. Being in the hospital was relatively new for Matthew, he had only ever been in once before, when he had broken his leg in hockey, he was about 6 at the time. When he was on the ice, he had skated into the opposing goalie at high speeds. Who knew that knee pads could hurt so much? After his mother had brought him in for X rays, he had to stay the night. It was terrifying. The beeping of the machines kept him up all night, and he heard a man wailing down the hall, needless to say, he skated a bit more carefully after that.

Mathew felt someone shake his arm, he flinched.

"Oh! I'm so sorry! Did I startle you? Your eyes were open..." a male nurse apologize,

"oh..." was all Matthew could manage, he had forgotten to close his eyes.

"Well, you have a visitor." the nurse finished,

"um, thanks. S-send them in, please." Prussia, Matthew thought, he must of forgotten something.

"Mattie?" Came a voice from Matthew's left, that wasn't Prussia's.

"A-Alfred?" Matthew felt his eyes grow wide in shock, his brother had been away in England for the past years, and Matthew hadn't heard head nor tail of him.

"Yeah, uh, hey." Alfred clearly sounded out of it, like he was heard footsteps come closer, untill they were right at his side, Alfred pulled up a chair,

"What happened?" Matthew's brother asked,

"I-I tried to-" Matthew stuttered,

"No, before that, did the German bastard hurt you? Are you hurt?" Consern laced Alfred's words,

"N-No! No. It was... It was just a lot of things..." Matthew lied,

"Stop." Alfred responded,

"S-Stop?" Matthew was confused, what had he done?

"Stop lying! I know that the German bastard had something to do with it, I saw Francis yell the crap out of him in the parking lot ten minutes ago!" Alfred's words slurred,

"I know I haven't been there for you for a while, but I'm still your brother!" Matthew could hear the sobs rack his brother.

"I deserve to know-"

"You lost that privilege when you left me for four years!" Matthew screeched, gripping the blankets at his sides, suprising himself,

"After you left, Prussia was all I had! You vanished, I never heard from you! You could have died for all I knew! How could you do that to me?" Matthew refused to cry, though the sting at the corners of his eyes were threatening otherwise.

"Mattie..." Alfred pleaded,

"No... Just, just don't. " Matthew turned towards the window, away from Alfred,

"I-i think you should leave..."Matthew whispered. He heard Alfred stand up, he expected him to slink out of the room and leave again,

but a light, feathery kiss was placed on his cheek, and Alfred left.


	12. Chapter 12

Prussia was falling, falling into a deep pit, it seemed endless. He kept screaming,

"help! Someone help!"

Then suddenly he hit the ground, his back letting out a sickinning 'CRACK!' his vision went wight, and for a moment, Prussia thought he was dead. Then he heard a voice to his right,

"Gill? Gilbert? " it said,

"Birdie?" he answered, he turned his head, blinking the wight out of his eyes, and there was Matthew, a bit blurry but- wait, he blinked a few more times, that wasn't Matthew,

It was a skeleton.

Gilbert screamed.

* * *

><p>"Riiinnnnngggggg! Riiiiiiinnnnnngggggggg!"<p>

Prussia bolted awake and fumbled for his phone,

"Hello?" he answered, still groggy,

"Uh, hey. Its, uh, its Alfred." came the stuttered reply,

"Alfred? What the hell?" Prussia was shocked, he hadn't heard from Matthew's brother since he had started dating Matthew,

"Yeah, hello to you as well." Alfred rolled his eyes from across the phone,

"Why are you calling? Birdie's not here."Prussia had no time for the childish american, at least, not this early in the morning.

"Yeah, I visited him last night. But thats not what-"

"Wait, you went to see him? Visiting hours were over! Did you break in?" Prussia interrupted,

"Listen! This is important! Since I'm technically more family than you or Frenchie,they called me this morning," Alfred soundedworried,

"What did they say? Is it bad? How is-"

"Shut up! Let me finish!" Alfred roared, Prussia went silent,

"Apparently Mattie has some signs of a bad disease, and they just sent him in for testing." Alfred sighed, having finished his news,

"Gilbert? You there?" he said after a long pause, the line cut off.

"That son of a-"

* * *

><p>After an awkward phonecall to Francis aboutthe news, and Alfred's sudden appearance, Prussia sped down the road towards the hospital.<p>

It felt like years before anybody would tell him so much as a peep about anything.

When he finally found a nurse, he had walkedin an entire circle back to reception,

"Can't you just tell me where he is?" Prussia fumed at a nurse,

"I'm sorry sir, can you please sit in the waiting room? I will ask the doctor right away." Prussia stalked off, and dropped in a chair near the door to the reception desk.

"Mon ami?" he heard a few minutes later,

"Francie!" Prussia exclaimed,

"Can you try talking to a nurse? They won't tell me jack about Birdie!"

Francis blinked, "You mean they didn't call you?" he looked astonished, and that's when Gilbert noticed the red rings around the Frenchman's eyes, he had been crying.

"W-why? Is something wrong? Is Birdie alright?" Prussia stood up, all thoughts of theprevious night forgotten,

"T-they called... right after you..." Francis began to sob, wiping his wetting eyes,

"I-i told them t-to tell you..." Francis fell into the chair next to Prussia's, Prussia sat next to him, wipping out his phone, one missed call.

He tapped on the voicemail,

* * *

><p>"Hello, this is the ******* memorial hospital, we regret to inform you that your colleague, Matthew Williams, has shown some signs of,Optic nerve melanocytoma. We reccomend you cease visiting for, two days, to be sure that the patient is finished testing. Thank you."<p> 


	13. Chapter 13

Matthew's day started as normally as a day in a hospital could be, wake up, eat breakfast, take pills. Things started to get weird aroundlunch.

"how was your breakfast? " The nurse asked Matthew,

"um, it was alright? " Matthew didn't have to see the nurse to know that something wasn'tright.

"Great! Now, we might have to do a couple tests today, are you alright with needles?"

Matthew nodded, hoping he didn't look as wary as he felt. A couple nurses helped him into a room down the hall, he heard all the regular hospital noises, beeps and talking and coughing, but he also heard crying.

After the nurses helped him into a chair that was NOT padded or comfortable in ANY way,the resident doctor, who he knew by the name of Mark or , explained what they were going to do.

"I was doing some research late last night onyour symptoms, " he explained,

"and I just wanted to take a few blood samples to be sure of things. "

Matthew knew something was off, even if he couldn't see anything,

"What kinds of things?" he asked, aware of the doctor's eyes on him,

"Well, nothing is 100%, you know, but I thought the previous tests showed some signs of... Um..." he cleared his throat,

"I think you have cancer, Matthew. "

Matthew was shell-shocked. He didn't even register talking, or the blood beingdrawn from his wrist, it felt like he was moving through water on the way back to hisroom. The only thing he knew he heard was Gilbert somewhere down the hall.

* * *

><p>"What?" Gilbert whispered, tears stinging at the corners of his eyes,<p>

"Mon ami," Francis started,

"nothing is certain yet, it could just be th-" Gilbert cut him off,

"Like hell I'm staying away! I need to see him!" he looked at Francis,

"Im with you." he said, eyes red and puffy,

Gilbert felt tears stream down his face and stood up, wiping his eyes,

"first, I need to make a call."

* * *

><p>Antonio was in the middle of watering his many tomato plants when he heard the phone ring, a few secomds later Romano ranup to him in the feilds and handed him the phone,<p>

"Its the damn german calling." he huffed,

"Thank you so much Lovie!" the Spanish man cooed reaching for the phone,

"ITS LOVI YOU DAMN BASTARD!" he heard as he walked through the plants to a bench on the edge of a clearing,

"Hello?" he said into the phone, relaxing into the bench,

"Toni! I need your help!" answered Gilbert on the other end,

"With what, amigo?" Gilbert's voice nearly cracked as he explained what had happened with Matthew over the past weeks to the Spaniard,

"Oh my god! Is he alright? Ill be over right away!" without waiting for a reply, he hung up and ran into the house, leaving a very confused looking Italian in the tomato feilds.

* * *

><p>When the news hit Alfred, he was already on his way to the hospital, he went over the speeding limit by about 100.<p>

When he got to the hospital, he walked right passed the reception desk and the nurses chatting behind it, no one payed any attention to him. He had just gotten passed the waiting room when someone bothered to ask him what he was doing, to his suprise, it wasnt a nurse.

"And your going where, exactly?" the most annoying voice in the world asked behind him,

"Im going to see my brother, why?" he whipped around to look down at Gilbert,

"Because I just called security on you."

Before Alfred could so much as utter a word, Gilbert punched him straight in the jaw.

Alfred was taken back for a moment, before retaliating in full, he lifted the German by the collar of his shirt and held him up against the wall,

"What the hell?" Alfred roared, he was in no mood to be dealing with this oubiously mad idiot, at least, not right now. Thats when security showed up and pulled him off of Gilbert,

"Get off me!" the security guards let go of Alfred,

"what the hell was that?!" he fumed at the recovering German, Gilbert had just opened his mouth to reply when a loud crash echoedthough the hall, drawing the attention of everyone in the room,

"H-Hello? A-alfred?"

"Matthew?" came the reply in unison.

* * *

><p><strong>Hey! Holly here! I will be going to camp in 3 days for two weeks, so the next chapter might be a little late!<strong>

**Every review makes me wanna write more so, keep 'em coming!**


	14. Chapter 14

**Back from camp! Thank you all for your awesome reviews! Seeing them made me postthis as soon ss I got back, keep 'em coming!**

* * *

><p>It was a stupid idea. He would get hurt. There was no way he would make it down the hall to the waiting room without drawing attention to himself, He kept repeating that to himself. He never thought it would actually work.<p>

He stumbled into what he thought was the waiting room, only to crash into a table.

"h-hello? Alfred?" he called, he had heard his brother earlier,

"Matthew?" he heard back,

Matthew stepped forward, only to slip on some papers, he flinched, expecting the hardground- only to be caught before he hit the floor.

"Birdie?" he heard from his savior,

A fresh wave of greif washed over Matthew, bringing tears to his eyes.

"Gill..." he fumbled around, searching,

Gilbert gently took Matthew's hand and led it to his face,

Matthew felt the hot sting of fresh tears trail down his face,

"Mattie!" Alfred called somewhere behind him, Matthew turned his head toward the sound,

Alfred walked up to where Gilbert sat, eternally thankful for the German's fast reflexes, not that he'd ever say it.

"Alfred... I- I didn't mean-" Matthew started,

Alfred helped Matthew to his feet and grasped him in a bone-crushing hug.

Gilbert left with Francis to go talk to security, leaving the two brothers to greive.

"I-i'm sorry... I didn't mean what I said, I-"

"shhhhhh," Alfred cooed,

"we need to get you back to your room." he finished.

With Gilbert's help, Alfred led Matthew back to his room.

* * *

><p>After the initial emotional termoil was over, Matthew collapsed into a deep sleep, leavingthe two other males to figure things out.<p>

"He's a lunatic." Gilbert said after Matthew's breathing evened out,

"Yeah, but he's your lunatic." Alfred replied, sad,

"No," Gilbert said slowly, "He's our lunatic."

* * *

><p>The doctors were in a fit after they found out the extent of Matthew's expodition, ordering him to stay in the bed for at least 5 more days, or face life without the sticky gloriousness that is maple syrup. Matthew was practically glued to the bed.<p>

A few days after the incident, a familiar Spaniard showed up at the hospital, walking into the hospital room labled, Williams, to a heartwarming scene, Alfred had passed out leaning back in a chair, clutching Matthew's hand, and Gilbert had fallen asleep leaning on him from the chair next to Alfred's.

The Spaniard quietly snapped a photo, wincing as the flash sounded,

"Hello?" came a voice,

"Ah, Matthew!" Antonio answered,

"Toni?"Matthew questioned,

"Why are you here?"

"I have come as a request from mi amigo." Antonio glanced at the two sleeping forms, Matthew sensed what the Spaniard was looking at and grimaced,

"I don't think either of them have been sleeping well as of late." Matthew whispered,lacing the sentence with self loathing,

"Now, you can only blame yourself so much, before it becomes unessary. " Antonio scolded, Matthew just laughed,

"As if you could convince me any of this WASNT my fault! " Matthew flinched, lowering his voice, but it was too late.

"Matthew..?" Alfred murmured,

"Wa- whats wrong?" Alfred shot up in his seat, knocking Gilbert awake accidentally,

"Whats wrong?" Gilbert jerked awake, then added,

"Tonio? How did you get here so soon?" Gilbert stood up, streching, hethen padded over to the foreigner and embraced him,

"My lovi has connections!" The Spaniard boasted, returning the hug,

After the two broke away, Gilbert returned hisattention back to the sickly looking Canadian Alfred was comforting,

"What's wrong, Mattie?" he cooed gently to his brother,

"Nothing... I'm fine." Matthew lied,

"Oubiously not." Gilbert scolded,

"I said I was fine, what more do you want?" Matthew's voice cracked on the last syllable, the silence after that seemed to go on for a lifetime, untill Alfred spoke up,

"Ill show Antonio around the hospital, okay?"Antonio nodded, everyone looked to Matthew, who had puffed up his cheeks like a kid,

"Do whatever you want." came the cold reply, Alfred flinched as if he was slapped,

The two men left the room, leaving the couple to duke it out.

* * *

><p>"Im just saying, you don't SOUND fine!" Gilbert snapped,<p>

" and I'm just saying shut up! Im alright! I just can't get over the fact you can-" Matthew was inturrupted by himself reching all over himself, Gilbert pressed the call button on Matthew's bed and wiped the Canadian's mouth with a cloth,

"Shhhh," he comforted, all signs of frustration gone, replaced with worry,

"It's going to be alright." Matthew could only smile at Gilbert's words before reching again, thinking, I'm so, so sorry, but it's never going to be alright.


	15. Chapter 15

**hello! Since school is coming up, I might not be able to upload as much, (oubiously) so I will try to write as much as possible!**

**Anyway, keep the reviews coming! Thank you! :3**

* * *

><p>The nurses rushed into Matthew's room, ushering Gilbert out so they would have more room. As he was waiting in the hall outside the room, Alfred and Antonio rushed up to him,<p>

"Is everything alright?" Alfred asked,

"I don't know, we were just talking then he..." Gilbert gestured to his ruined shirt and shrugged,

"Does this happen often, amigo?" Antonio asked, looking concerned,

"Yeah, not TOO often, though. " Alfred admitted,

"It's the meds, y'know? Nothing we can help." Alfred sounded more like he was trying to convince himself.

Gilbert nodded,

"He should be alright any minute now."

Not a minute later, the door to the room opened and the 3 nurses filed out, leaving a covered and sweaty Matthew alone in the room.

The three visitors slowly re-entered the room,

"Mattie? You okay?" Alfred eyed the big lumpin Matthew's sheets,

"_goaway_..." came the muffled reply,

Gilbert glanced at Antonio, Antonio saw all the angst and sadness that lay in his eyes,

"Ah... Mi amigo, how about we go talk in the hall for a moment?" Gilbert nodded, understanding.

Alfred sat down in thd chair closest to Matthew and closed his eyes,

"How do you feel?" He asked,

"_idontwanttotalktoyou_" Matthew mumbled,

"Mattie..." Alfred pleaded,

"fine..." the Canadian sighed,

Alfred helped Matthew untangle himself fromthe covers and smoothed out the crumpled blankets,

"Is that a little better?" Alfred asked,

Matthew turned his head away,

"Aw, whats wrong Mattie? Please tell me!" Alfred reached for Matthew's hand, only to have his slapped away,

There was silence for a while, untill Alfred cracked,

"Matthew, what the HELL is wrong with you?!" Alfred stood up,

"How can anyone feel better if your too stuck up and moody to even give a crap!?" Alfred felt tears rolling down his face, but he kept on,

"why can't you just see that everyone here is trying to help you? I don't know what your problem is!" Alfred took a breath, steading himself,

"I'm going out for a while." Alfred left, closingthe door behind him.

Matthew laid back, trying to remember what Alfred looked like when he was mad, or what he looked like at all.

* * *

><p>Gilbert walked out of Matthew's room, Antonio trailing behind him,<p>

"I just, I don't know how to help him..." Gilbert felt terrible, he was supposed to be able to help Matthew! That was his job!

"Stop it." Antonio snapped,

"What?" Gilbert asked, dumbfounded,

"Stop feeling sorry for yourself, it's making things worse." Antonio suddenly looked empathetic,

"Have you seen Francine lately?" The Spaniard hadn't heard from the Frenchman since the new years party this year,

"Oh! Yes, yes he's good. Upset, I mean, but he's taking it well." Gilbert smirked at the memories the trio had made over the years,

"We should go out." Antonio suggested,

"Just the three of us! It would help you, I think. " Antonio clapped a hand over his friend's back,

"What about tonight? Does that s-"

Antonio was interrupted by shouting from inside the room, the two men looked at each other, then back at the door, suddenly, Alfred burst out, not sparing them a second glance and fled down the hall. Gilbert motioned he would only be a second, then slowly opened the door

* * *

><p>Alfred sat in his car, hands gripping the wheel so hard his knuckles were white,<p>

"Gah!" he screamed, slamming a fist pn the wheel, homking the horn.

'why can't he see I'm trying to help him!' he thought,

'This is so frustrating! ' Alfred thought about the earlier events, then grimaced, he had yelled at Mattie. It wasn't even Mathew's fault, not really. Alfred was stressed, so was everyone else. What right did he have to try to take that anger out on Matthew? Alfred relaxed his hands, smoothing them out over the wheel; he was lucky Matthew was still alive, let alone that he wasn't permanently damaged. At least, that was what the doctor had told him. had said that Matthew was lucky, that they had caught it early, that is. There was a 60% chance Matthew would live, but a 40% chance he would die. Alfred sighed, and opened the car door.

* * *

><p>Gilbert stepped inside the room, Mathew waslying on his back, eyes wide open. That seemed to be a habit of his, keeping his eyesopen. Wouldn't it hurt to not blink, though? Anyway, Gilbert took a seat next to Matthew's bed,<p>

"Hey birdie." Gilbert started, Matthew closed his eyes,

"Do you still love me?" Gilbert asked, his heart beat drumming out of his chest,

"Yes." Matthew said without hesitation,

"Good. Because I want you to stick around for a while, so I can bug you a lot more." Matthew smiled, then winced, he looked away.

"What?" Gilbert asked,

"does your chest hurt?" Matthew nodded, face contorted in pain,

"Can I help? Do I need to get a nurse?" Gilbert sounded worried, Matthew shook his head,

"then what's wrong?" Gilbert saw Matthew look down,

"tell me, please..." Gilbert felt his chest tighten,

"I..." Matthew started,

"yes?" Gilbert pleaded,

The door of the room opened, letting Alfred in just in time for him to hear,

"I want to die."


	16. Chapter 16

**Hello all! Here is the newest chapter. I wanted to post it tomorrow but... I guess you guys have suffered enough! **

* * *

><p>Gilbert and Francis walked over to talk to the security, trying to give the impression that allthis was, was an act of... Uh... Devotion, yes, Francis could pull that off. After all these years of covering for Gilbert, Francis had to learn to think quickly. After shooing away thesecurity members and making sure his Mattheu was okay, Francis made his hated hospitals, they only made him thinkof death. As much as he loved Matthew, Francis knew that what Matthew needed at the moment was some peace, isn't the stress of a busy life what pushed him over the edge in the first place?<p>

When Francis finally got home, after going over to Matthew's house to clean, he hung up his coat, took off his shoes, and dropped down on his couch, exausted.

Only then did his phone decide to ring.

He moaned, not wanting to get up, but his phone apparently didn't get the message, and kept ringing.

Francis dragged himself off the couch and answered the most annoying phone in the world,

"Allo?" he asked,

"Francis, Guten nacht." came the German reply,

"Ah, uh, same to you, Ludwig. To what do I owe the pleasure?"

"I was wondering if you knew where Gilbert has been the last couple days?" Ludwig responded,

"Oh! He did not tell you? Oh, mon ami Gilbert has been with Mattheu in the hospital!" Francis went into full account of what had happened, not leaving anything out, feeling Ludwig deserved it for being left out,

"Well..." came the reply after Francis finished,

"I had not realised the situation was so dire."Ludwig was dumbfounded, he had expected Gilbert to simply have gotten drunk and passed out at Francis' house, not this!

Ludwig politely excused himself from a very tired sounding Francis,

Ludwig relaxed on the dining room chair, laying the phone on the table, this was a lot to take in!

"Luuuuudddddwwwwiiigggggg!" he heard from the living room,

"What are you doing Luddy?" Feliciano could practically hear how distressed Ludwig was,

"I just found out where Gilbert has been the past couple days," Ludwig started to explain what he had just learned, but was cut off,

"Yeah, hasn't Matthew been sick lately?" Ludwig gaped at the italian, who had now wrapped his arms around Ludwig's neck, sitting on his lap,

"How did you know that?" he asked,

"Oh! Fratello told me! He and Antonio are coming over tomorrow!" Ludwig sighed, of course Gilbert would call for his friends, how else was he to cope with all this drama?

"I see, why didn't you tell me this?" Ludwig raised an eyebrow,

Feliciano shrank into the German's chest whimpering,

"W-was I supposed to tell you? Im sorry!"

Ludwig smoothed the top of the italian's head with his hand,

"No, it's alright. I was just worried."

Feliciano rested his head on the German's shoulder, feeling sad for Matthew,

"Do you think Matthew will be okay?" he asked,

"Yes," Ludwig answered,

"Gilbert chooses his friend very carefully, I'm sure Matthew won't let this stop him."

Feliciano wasn't convinced,

"Fratello said that Matthew had some really bad disease called can-" Ludwig cut him off,

"No matter what Matthew has, I'm sure he'll pull through it, so long as he has Gilbert."

Feliciano thought for a moment,

"So... Like when you had the flu and had to stay in bed for a while, but Gilbert came over and helped me take care of you?"

Ludwig chuckled at the connection Feliciano had made,

"Yeah, just like that"

Francis had run over to Matthew's house to pick up a package before going over to the hospital that morning, when he got to the reception desk, the lady there said that Matthew had been discharged, Francis was dumbstruck. Only after Francis had had a heart attack did the lady finally correct herself and apologised, saying that it must have been a mistake.

Francis walked down the hall that led to Matthew's room, his package in hand, but stopped when he saw Antonio in the hallway,

"Toni!" he exclaimed, he hadn't seen his 'amigo' since new years!

"Frenchie!" Antonio gave the frenchman a big hug, squeezing the worry out of him,

"Where's Gilbert?" Francis asked,

"Inside, talking to Matthew I beleive." Antonioanswered in a thick spanish accent,

"oh, is everything oka-" Francis' question was cut off by the sight of Alfred walking down the hall to them,

"Hey Frog." Alfred greeted, then glancing to Antonio,

"How are you, Antonio?" the Spaniard smiled,

"I'm good! Just waiting for Gilbert." he gestured to the door,

"Okay, well I'm going to go see if everything'sokay." Alfred opened the door and stepped inside.


	17. Chapter 17

Both Alfred and Gilbert froze in shock.

"What?" Gilbert whispered after a long silence,

Matthew shrank back into his bed,

Alfred let out the breath he didn't know he was holding,

"Mattie... I thought things were getting better..."

Matthew sat up again and pulled up the sleeves of the sweater Francis had brought him, revealing the nasty scars on his arms,

"What has anyone done to help? Nobody hastalked to me, and I'm sure as hell not gettingout of here anytime soon!" He seethed,

"Everyone standing around encouraging me to, to do what? I don't know, but it's oubiously not happening! "

Alfred and Gilbert just stood/sat, glued to their spots like deer in headlights.

"Please... I, I..." Matthew didn't even know what he was asking for. He just wanted some, some recognition, that he was trying. He just didn't know how.

"I... I..." Gilbert started, but really, what can you say to that? 'I'm sorry I've been a ass for the past years, how can I help you stop hurting yourself and being depressed because of me?'

"God..." Alfred started,

"I'm so sorry Mattie..." He finished,

As if answering some unspoken prayer, opened the door to the room, oblivious to the ongoing turmoil, two heads followed the sound,

"Ah, hello. I'm sorry, but I'm afraid visiting hours will have to be cut short tonight, we still have a little testing to do." guided Alfred out of the room, Gilbert followed, as if in a trance.

After the two men left, bolted backto Matthew's room, when he got there, Matthew was sobbing,

"Mr . Williams, what's the matter?" he asked, placing a hand on the Canadian's back,

So, Matthew told him.

He was to start chemo the following Monday, two days. Matthew was a complete wreck.

He couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, and he refused to talk to anyone except for .

The night before chemo, convinced Matthew to talk to Francis, who was worried sick. When the frenchman arrived at Matthew's room, he knocked, trying to make his presence known, then entered.

"Mattheu?" he asked, seeing only a lump in the blankets on the hospital bed.

Matthew whimpered from underneath his mountain of blankets, hoping that would delay the inevitable.

"Oh, Mattheu..." Francis bounded over to the lump and wrapped his arms around the trembling mass,

"Mattheu, it'll be okay, you'll be okay... I promise." Francis squeezed the canadian tighter, hoping his presence would comfort him.

"F -Francis... I'm scared..." Matthew whimpered,

Francis shuffled the blankets so that the top of Matthew's head poked out the top, along with his curl. Francis stroked the Canadian's head, sliding over so that he was sitting behind the trembling canadian.

"Don't worry, Mattheu, I'm here."

Francis gasped, he had forgotten about his package!

"Mattheu, I have a suprise for you." Francis said through his smile,

The curl on top of the Canadian's head twiched, but the person it was attached to didn't respond,

Francis reached into his coat and pulled out a stuffed bear. He slid down the covers so Mattheu could feel it.

"Kuma?" he whispered to the bear,

"Kuma!" Mattheu hugged the bear close to his chest.

"T-thank you Francis." The smiling Canadianwimpered, he suddenly turned around and, with a little guidance, hugged his cousin tightly.

And, for a moment, it all seemed bearable.

(no pun intended)

Matthew started the treatment with Gilbert by his side, and a iv in his arm. Dr. Phillips had said that Matthew would probably want to shave his head in preperation for the treatment, but he was given a tuke from Gilbert, it had the Canadian flag on the front and 'EH' on the back. Matthew, of course, had not been happy with the change, but suprisingly didn't protest. 'In fact', Gilbert thought, 'he seems to be feeling better!'

The days seemed to blur together for Matthew, dispite the constant headache and aches and pains, he had been feeling better. had set him up with a therapist, who Matthew knew as Elisa, (Pronounced Eel-eye-za). Elisa was a pretty woman with a thick Hungarian accent who, apparently, knew just what to say to Matthew to make him feel needed. The chemo and therapy were going so well, that Matthew felt better than he had in years. And that was all that mattered. But after a full week of only speaking to , Francis, and Gilbert, and weeks not seeing anything, Matthew was getting quite restless.

"Can't I just strech my legs?" he pleaded to a new nurse, hoping,

"Well, I suppose if I just stood you up..." She helped Matthew to swing his feet off the bed, slowly standing him up. Matthew had all but forgotten the fact that he had been in bed for almost half a month only streching in bed, when his legs cramped. The muscles locked and Matthew cried out, falling to the ground. The nurse yelped, but immediately pulled Matthew into a sitting position. Only after the cramps had died down did Matthew notice the stinging in his wrist. when he fell, he must have pulled out his iv. He felt a warm liquid slide down his wrist and he brought his other hand over to cover the wound, but to no avail.

"Are you okay?" the nurse asked for about the millionth time, but Matthew felt her tense against his back as she saw the blood.

"Please, let me look." without waiting for a response, Matthew felt her lift up his hand, he also felt her stifle a gasp at the wound, which had begun to sting impressively.

The nurse soon had a bandage on his wrist, and had called for .

The doctor had assured him that he would be issued a walker soon, and that this was just a minor setback, but to Matthew it was much more.

To Matthew, this was a failure.


	18. Chapter 18

Matthew had been practicly chained to the bed since then, always having a nurse in the room, only ever alone when he was asleep. He was still truly feeling better, no matter if he could get up and walk around or not. He was visited by Francis, and Gilbert over the course of his treatment. Untill the day before his release from the hospital.

"Mr . Williams? The nurse called to Matthew from his door, it was just before lunch, so Matthew suspected that she was bringing in the slop they served here, he called her in.

"Mattie?" Alfred called to his brother,

"A-alfred." The Canadian stuttered, caught off gaurd by the sudden appearance,

"Listen, I'm really sorry about how I've been acting lately, and I was wondering if..." Alfred stood awkwardly at the door, waiting for a reaction,

"I forgive you, don't worry. " Matthew heard Alfred sigh at his words, then he felt the bed incline where the older brother sat down.

"Thank you" alfred wrapped his arms around his brother and hugged him to his chest.

The hospital assigned Matthew a 'feeler stick' as Gilbert discribed it, and some medication to take every night. Words can't discribe how nice it felt to sleep on Matthew's own bed, with Gilbert's arms around him.

Gilbert woke up to a crash, he sat straight up, searching arount the dark bed for the other body that was supposed to be there, to no avail.

Gilbert flew out of bed and ran down the stairs, turning on the lights as he went, he arrived at the kitchen and it took him a minute to comprehend the scene before him.

Matthew couldn't sleep. He had slept for what felt like 5 hours when he woke up and couldn't go back to sleep, he thought it felt like breakfast time, so he grabbed his stick and stumbled downstairs, careful not to fall down the stairs, he got to the kitchen and felt around for the pan drawer, second drawer down between the stove and the fridge, he remembered. He pulled out what felt like the right size of pan, and turned on the stove, he put the pan on the stove an-

CRASH!

The pan dropped to the floor. Matthew had missed the stove. Giving up, he reached to turn off the stove, and got a handful of hot stove burner, he fell back clutching his throbbing hand by the wrist.

"Mattie!" Gilbert screached,

"What happened? Are you okay?"

Matthew gave up trying.

Matthew stayed in bed after that, Ludwig and Feliciano visited a few days later, but Matthew didn't acknowledge them. He only ever spoke to Gilbert, and even then, after threatening to take away the Canadian's maple syrup.

The days smeared into one for Matthew, after he tried to get back what little of his life he could manage, tried to act normally, he had failed, that was all he could take. Matthew felt as if he was dying.

Matthew was re-entered into the hospital only 3 weeks after he had been released.

"What can I do?" Gilbert asked the doctor for the thousandth time in the past 10 minutes,

"I-you can't do anything, ... He has just given up. The most you can do is be with him."

Francis visited often, as he was the only one who could get Matthew to eat anything more than acracker or two.

"oh, mon ami... Why do you do this to yourself?" Matthew ignored him.

Matthew ignored the world.


	19. Chapter 19, Interlude

For those who don't understand the durastic turn of events, I have lost the urge to keep writing this fanfiction, sorry :( but, instead of simply discontinuing it, and leaving all you beautiful people sad, I will finish it. This is the ending I had imagined for the story, it just had a little... push, in the right direction.

None the less, I really hope you enjoy the end of this fic, and thank you for, well, being you! (and all the love and support ;)

-Holly


	20. Chapter 20

Matthew hugged his bear close to his chest as he heard Gilbert and Alfred fighting outside his hospital room. The Canadian didn't know how long it had been since he was re-entered into the hospital, he only knew that it had gotten cold. Whenever Francis or Alfred would come in, Matthew would hear them brushing off their jackets and hanging them up. That's the only way heeven knew time was passing. He had startedto feel better, though. His boyfriend's constant support, even though it was unwanted, had made his heart swell.

And, for the first time in a LONG while,

Matthew tried to get better.

"...and then, the goalie actually stopped the puck for once!" Gilbert had been telling him about last night's hockey game,

"oh, yeah, and they took s-"

"G-Gilbert..." Matthew whispered, getting used to his own voice. Gilbert paused, had he heard something?

"Gilbert?" Matthew said, a little louder now.

"Birdie? Yes! What is it?" Gilbert was thrilled by the sudden outburst, Birdie was finally getting better! Or, at least he was talking!

"Gilbert, I-im sorry. For everything. I was really an asshole, trying to do what I did..." Matthew pulled his blanket off his face, keeping his eyes closed.

"No, no birdie! It wasn't your fault! You and I both know that you were going through some rough stuff!" Gilbert scooted a little closer to Matthew, not wanting to scare him away.

"I suppose so... That's- that's just what I wanted to say..."Matthew started to pull his blanket over his head, but was soon stopped.

Gilbert pressed his lips to Matthew's, causing Matthew to halt his movement. Gilbert soon pulled away, his kiss having not been returned. But Matthew had other plans, he grabbed Gilbert by what felt like the collar of his shirt and pulled him in again. This timeit was Gilbert who was stunned.

And thus began the long road to recovery.


	21. Chapter 21

Three weeks had passed since Matthew had begun his recovery. He had started eating, and could start to see blurry shapes in his left eye. The day he discovered that peticular feature had gone like this,

"Birdie!" Gilbert sung, his birdie had finally started to feel better! The months had felt like years for him.

"idontwanttogetupitstooearly" came the muffled reply, the canadian had never been a morning person, and had burrowed himself into the thin sheets the hospital had given him.

"Aw, come on birdie!" Gilbert pleaded,

"I brought you breakfast!" the Canadian's head perked up at that,

"T-Tim Hortons?" he whispered,

"Yes indeed!" Gilbert laughed, he put the bag of breakfast sandwiches on the side table, and stepped toward the shy Canadian under the blankets. He pulled back the sheets to find Matthew smiling, his eyes closed.

"Hey" came Matthew's voice,

"Hey" Gilbert responded, kissing him on the forehead,

"So, hot choclate?" Gilbert asked,

"Of course!" Matthew smiled, opening his eyes, he knew what waited, blackne- Matthew gasped,

"What?!" Gilbert whipped back around, grabbing at Matthew's shoulders,

"I-I can see you- your shape!" tears streamed down Matthew's cheeks,

"You can?" Gilbert was astonished, he was so happy for his birdie!

"Yes! Yes, I can see!"

The next few days were full of tests, doctors, nurses, and more doctors. Those were all Matthew felt he ever spoke to. But, in the fewmoments he got with his friends, he felt hope. He felt like maybe, just maybe, everything would be alright.

"Au Revoir!" Francis called, leading Antonio out of the hospital room.

"Sorry about Toni," Gilbert scratched at his head, remembering every time his friend had asked Matthew how many fingers he was holding up,

"Are you kidding?" Matthew laughed,

" That was the most fun I've had in AGES!" hecollapsed back onto his bed, never having left it.

"Well," Gilbert started,

"There is something else that I wanted to tell you," Matthew raised his eyebrows,

"Go on.."He asked,

"Well, I didn't want Francis and Antonio to wet themselves, but, the doctor said, if you are feeling better by next month, we could gohome!" Gilbert's voice jumped at the end, telling Matthew that he was truly excited,

"Wow! T-thats only 3 weeks away!" Matthew was flabbergasted, he hadn't expected to be let out so soon! He squeezed Kumajiro close to his body.

"That is," Gilbert reminded,

"if you feel better."

Neither of them could have been more happy.

Finally, it was the day, the day Matthew could finally go home. The doctors had put him through tough physiotherapy, making sure he wouldn't die on the way home, heaven forbid! Matthew giggled, he had packed up what little belongings he had, and was waiting in his room for Gilbert. Gilbert had gone to finish up making plans with Ludwig and Feliciano, for god knows what kind of party, and had promised he would be there 'as soon as the doors were open.' they had only been open for5 minutes, but Matthew still felt nervous. What if something had happened to Gilbert? He didn't know what he would do without his boyfriend. Gilbert had been the one who, even through Matthew's cancer, had never, not once, spoken about leaving. Oubiously, he had to leave once visiting hours were over, but not in the forever sense.

"Mattheu?" the Canadian's eyes snapped open, he saw a blurry shape, really close to him! He backed up,

"F-Francis?" he asked, trying to pinpoint the voice, it didn't sound quite lik-

"Hahahaha!" came the same booming voice,

"See?I told you I could speak french!" the thick American accent was unmistakable now, and Matthew rolled his eyes at his brother,

"Alfred!" he whined,

"Sorry, bro, it had to be done! Feliciano bet that I couldn't speak french, so- oops!" Alfredcut off,

"so..?" Matthew inquired,

"Uh, nothing! Nevermind. Your boy toy sent me in here to retrieve you, at least, I think that's what he said, sounded more like 'resleve'..." The American trailed off into his thought,

"Ok! Lets go!" Matthew was eager, to say the least. He hadn't been outside in what felt likeforever! Alfred helped him up, grabbing his arm and giving him his walking stick, he had to learn to use that. After a long trip down two floors (in the elevator) Alfred led him to the main doors. As soon as Matthew stepped outside, he felt better. The warm breeze whipped through his hair.

"So," came a famillair voice,

"how is it?"

Matthew raced forward, knocking Gilbert with his pointing stick, and hugged him.

"It's - it's awesome." he said, smiling.

The drive home was full of questions, 'how long was I in there?' and 'what does it look like outside?' at the 20th question Alfred put an end to it,

"If your so interested," he had joked,

"why don't you walk!"

So, here he was. Walking the final mile home with his hand in Gilbert's.

"You can let me go, y'know. " Matthew's hand was sore from having it held all day.

"Well, I don't think your quite ready for that yet!" Gilbert rolled his eyes.

"Actually, I am!" Matthew was getting annoyed with all this babying,

"I can do just fine without you holding my hand every step of the way!" they stopped walking and Gilbert turned to face Matthew,

"Birdie, you can't. But that's ok! You don't need to be so defensive!" Matthew pulled his hand away from Gilbert's, glaring at him,

" I made it through 21 years without you!" Matthew fumed,

"well, you weren't depressed and blind then!"Gilbert immediately regretted the words. Matthew's mouth fell open and he whipped around, using his stick to stay on the sidewalk as he stormed away.

'Fine!' Gilbert thought to himself, 'Let him be hit by a car for all I care!' but Gilbert turned around, he saw Matthew turning a corner, in the wrong direction.

"Birdie, wait!" Gilbert suddenly remembered that perticular street had no crosswalk... Thesidewalk went across the street.

Gilbert ran forward, speeding down the corner. Matthew was just starting across thestreet, the light was green. Gilbert jumped forward, grabbing Matthew's arm and dragging him back away from the road.

"Gilbert!" Matthew screached,

"Why did y-" Gilbert cut him off by dragging the Canadian into a hug,

"I'm sorry birdie." he mumbled into Matthew's hair,

"I-i know..." Matthew relaxed into the Prussian's grip,

"I am too..."

The rest of the trip was uneventful, it seemedlike the both of them had had their fill of excitement for the day.

When the two finally got to their house, Matthew was thrilled,

"Here, where are the front steps?" he asked, Gilbert led Matthew up the steps an onto the threshold of the house, where he proceeded to wife-carry him into the house, Matthew laughing all the way. When they reached the living room, however, Gilbert put him down, covering the Canadian's eyes,

"Gilbert, what-" Matthew was cut off by the big,

"SUPRISE!" that came from in front of him, he could only see shapes, but he recognized Francis, Alfred, and Ludwig all standing in front of him (along with a few of Gilbert's 'closest friends') The party was for both Gilbert and Matthew, a homecoming of sorts.

After everyone had esten their share of cake, and told some embarrassing stories, Matthew, Gilbert, Francis, Alfred, and Ludwig were all that was left, siting in the living room.

"Well, " Alfred started,

"That was fun!" the group laughed, but suddenly Alfred becsme serious,

"Mattie, I'm glad you're feeling better. I was really scared for a while there!" Matthew smiled,

"me too," he looked around, as best as he could, at the friends and family sitting around him, and reached for Gilbert's hand,

"Me too."

The End


	22. author's note confession

Y'know, this whole project has been really big for me.

before this, I couldn't even finish a thought, let alone write it down!

I went through SO MANY endings for this story, none of you even know.

sad, or happy? Sad, or happy? I swear that's all that has gone through my head for the past months.

Overall, it was my mother who convinced me to leave on a happy note, so it is her you should thank.

my idea was to hit Matthew with a car, but noooooo, people need closure!

Well, I am happy all of you stuck with it, with me, and it was all the lovely reviews that kept the chapters coming, no matter how slowly,

anywho, this is getting long, so overall, thanks! It was fun, except for when it wasn't.

-Holly


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